I wonder if me life would've bin different if I'd bin taller.
Of course it would - instead of being short and scruffy, you'd've been tall and scruffy.
You could have longer holes in your trousers.
They're quite long enough.
I could've married Mable Stoddard, if I'd bin taller.
But, as it was, 'er father didn't think me suitable.
Oh, well of course, we're both astounded by that information.
I mean, we could never imagine that anybody's father could find you unsuitable.
Hey, Dewdrop, get knotted!
Oh, very suitable!
Fathers do have the tendency to be unromantic about their daughter's love-life - It's a critical age
ready to deny such hoary fundamentals as crease-resistant trousers.
Did he ever say WHY you were unsuitable?
No, 'e never spoke to me personally.
I used to call at their 'ouse and 'e was allus just goin' out.
Whatever the time, there 'e was, just goin' out.
I wonder why.
I've never seen such a bloke for just goin' out.
Used to say 'ow do to 'is back, if I were quick - 'Ow do, Mr Stoddard.
Gone.
Gets very disheartening....
..talkin' to people's backs
Maybe you wouldn't've liked his front - the world's full of people with fronts it's difficult to like.
Who did marry Mable Stoddard?
Married some Yank, durin' the war.
Just 'cos 'e 'ad 2 pips on 'is shoulders.
I often 'ad 2 Military Police on mine....
..but I didn't go round gobbin' about it.
You were never really the warrior class.
You've got something deeply civilian about those legs.
It's me trousers, they never fit.
Why?
Don't know, must be 'abit.
Imagine, Mable Stoddard somewhere in America.
With blue hair - married possibly to an Orthodontist, whatever that is.
I wonder if she ever misses REAL life.
Isn't an Orthodontist something to do with teeth?
I can't help thinking, it serves 'em right.
Hey up!
Someone made a right bog-up o' shearin' that sheep.
Supposed to be quite intelligent dogs.
'Ave to be, dressed like that!
Bet they get a lot o' stick from cheeky mongrels.
Nothing wrong with it, it looks very smart.
Suppose if it were thine, tha'd be blancoing it.
I bet it's cleaner in the house than your ferrets.
My ferrets are 'ouse trained.
They're in the wrong house, then.
It's not the kind of dog you'd feel comfortable with in draft beer circles.
Fi-Fi....FI-I!
Which one of you 2 answers to the name of Fi-Fi?
Fi-Fi.
Come 'ere, you stupid twollop!
'Ave yer seen a dog?
What make?
What make? With a name like Fi-Fi? It's an Irish Wolf Hound, naturally.
It went that way. Towards the water? Yes. My God, is it deep?
Oh no, just a few inches, it's quite shallow. Oh, it would be.
It can swim, can't it?
Swim? 'Ow do I know?
All I ever see it do is eat flamin' toffees, lick me wife and pee all over me geraniums.
Well, that's better than licking the geraniums and p...
'Ow do they expect yer to get attached to anything that knows no better than to lick yer wife?
It's thee that takes it for a walk, though. No choice!
I get ordered out.
Why doesn't she take it?
She's fatter than the dog, spends 'er time chompin' on toffees too.
Mind, she's great at keepin' people
Well, I better find the dozy bitch.
I thought tha'd left 'er at 'ome.
'E's a comic.
Oh yes, we keep him around for laughs...and fashion notes.
'E wouldn't think life so funny...
..if 'e 'ad to go 'walkies' every day.
'Walkies!'
Where are you dog? Nice dog.
Come 'ere, you stupid bitch!
It's always a pleasure to see someone happy at his work.
He should've kept it on a lead. 'Ow would thee like to be fastened to a thing like that?
I wouldn't mind - not on a proper commercial basis.
If we were being paid for it.
I've got an idea.
There must be 100s of people like him...
...who'd seize the opportunity to have their pets exercised by a competent 3rd party.
Where are you going? Come back! It's a great idea.
No, no, no, NO!
There isn't even any work involved. None? None.
Don't let 'im lie to me, Norm - Don't let 'im get me involved in something with work in it.
You're not afraid of hard work. I'm not? 'Course you're not. Sure?
You're afraid of even easy work. That's true!
For a minute I thought you'd mixed me up with somebody else.
Who'd mix him up?
Everybody's got a double.
Oh, God!
Don't scratch the wall this time.
You were 'oldin' one end, y'know.
I was 'oldin' my end off the wall.
Just a moment! Can't have ladies struggling while men are present.
No, just open the door, that'll do fine.
I won't hear of it - kindly lower your end. It's all right, don't bother.
Make yer minds up, it's 'eavy.
What'cha got, Ivy?
Some idiot in the way, as usual.
Merely trying to be of assistance Oh all right, carry it if y'must.
What's goin' on?
I've got this childish urge to get me foot out.
Don't just sit there! Come on, me foot's stuck Is it, let's look.
Don't put yer weight on it!
What'cha got there, Sid? It seems to be yon useless beggar, mainly,
No need for that attitude.
Sid, Sid, Sid, what's in the box?
It's a self-assembly, modular, high impact, stain-resistant unit. Get away!
I still don't know what's in it
I'll give you a 'and. Mind me paint! Steady! To you a bit.
Come on, Compo, grab 'old of somethin'.
ARRRGH!
All right Ivy, it were an impulse! Yer don't 'ave t'marry me.
Stay there, and don't move.
'Ere, Ivy, look. Oooh!
What's tha doin' there?
Just catching the passing moment.
I could do with Sid, but the man's got no sense of direction.
Open it carefully I am opening it carefully.
I don't want it scratched before we even start. You've started already.
Y'can't go diggin' in like a lunatic with that screwdriver.
Well, pass me somethin' sharper, like your tongue!
It must take years to work together as smoothly as that.
Drink up, they're not the only ones with work to do.
Hey up! I thought tha said there wasn't any work involved.
There won't be any work involved.
Good God, you can't call it work, taking a little dog for a stroll.
How little?
Well, it can't be all that big - Dogs aren't all that big, are they. Big dogs are.
Some of 'em are even...
It's not a question of size, you simply dominate them - It's a question of control.
They respond to a firm hand.
So does Ivy - She grabs thee by the collar.
It's worth it though.
The question is...
..would you trust your pet with the midget haystack here?
And the answer is...
No.
I think we'll keep you out of sight while Clegg and I are negotiating with our clients.
If it's all the same to you, Foggy - I'd love to be kept out of sight with him
while you negotiate with our clients.
Tha'd love to be kept out of sight wouldn't you, Norm? I would. 'E would. Nonsense!
We'd cover twice the ground with both of us - Now, you take this side and I'll take the other.
Right now?
Of course right now, why wait? Oh, give us a second and I'll think of something.
I don't understand you.
I present you with this brilliant scheme and...there's not even any capital expenditure involved.
They'll all have their own dog leads. Oh, I don't mind leads.
If they don't, all we need is string. Hey up!
Tha's not 'avin' this bit
All right, if we have to we'll buy a piece.
I mean, in what other way can you start a business on just a piece of string?
It's brilliant, I tell you - What do we do with half the day anyway?
Stroll round the hills - We might just as well take an animal too.
You see how brilliant it is.
Without the slightest change in our life style, all of a sudden we're in the money.
And there's not even work involved.
That's right, go on!
Appeal to his better nature.
If tha's goin' t'spend tha life avoidin' work, put y'back into it.
If a thing's worth doin' it's worth doin' well.
Come on Clegg, let's get going
Short walks, 50p, long walks, £1.
Flat rate per dog, irrespective of size.
We could be on the verge of something big.
HORN BLASTS
Ah..yes, good morning, madam.
I wonder if I...
Well, what do you want?
C..could we take your pet for a walk?
Suit yourself - I don't mind, if you don't.
Thought I'd be at work didn't you? Hard luck! Slightly dropped one today, haven't we?
'Ow do yer do it? Go on, explain - 'Ow do yer do it?
I expected some flash Herbert with a real moustache - David Niven, I could live with David Niven.
What the 'ell does she see in you? You must be a talker.
That's it, int it? A smooth Herbert with the words.
Must be a talker! Look at yer, like a pair of empty long coms.
Money! Yer must 'ave money! Is that it, yer swine?
I BET YER LOADED!
If you come back here again...
HORN BLASTS
Damn great oaf was totally unreasonable.
I had to leave. Very fast!
I had to leave very fast before my self-control snapped.
Then there'd've been blood on the ground.
Aye...his.
How do, Wally.
How do, Compo.
You'd never think to look at 'im, that 'e was known as Little Laughin' Walter Batty, at school.
I didn't know that.
That's 'cos I just made it up!
What did they call him? Inky. Inky Batty! I remember now.
'E were always covered in ink! It were like playin' football with a piebald pony.
But 'e was always 'appy, though.
I think some of the magic's gone from his life.
I really hate big people who grab you by the throat.
I thought you'd done judo.
Ah...well, I was posted before we got to throats.
But, if he'd've come at me with a bayonet..Oh yes, a different story.
I expect you're wondering why I didn't grapple with him.
We're not wondering, Foggy - We know quite well why you didn't grapple with him.
Yer a talker are yer? A talker? That's it!
Well, I just didn't want to touch the uncouth lout.
I hate being seen in the street with people in their vests.
Beer belly, braces dangling.
Not the sort of person you'd choose to grapple with.
Nora Batty's the sort of person I'd choose to grapple with.
Tell him, he's married to her.
Looking well on it, isn't he?
If ever 'e's lookin' for a new 'ome for 'er, 'e's promised me first refusal.
I'm lookin', I'm lookin'.
Why don't yer send 'er round? Yer knows where I live. She won't come.
I don't know why you don't make yourself more attractive. Hey up! I AM more attractive.
Before she'd marry me, I 'ad to make meself more attractive. And like a fool, I did.
You can't go tampering with nature.
Just a bit of solid Brilliantine, that's all. A well know aphrodisiac - you must've been irresistible.
I was.
Tell us, Wally, what's the secret? What does Nora like in a man?
Total submission.
HAMMERING FROM KITCHEN You great dozy buttock!
Follow the instructions! Yours or the printed ones?
You've got no idea! You wouldn't say that if yer knew what I was thinkin'.
It's terrible service round here. I know, I 'ad to wait ages.
Standin' there feelin' neglected, might just as well've bin at 'ome.
Didn't you ring the bell?
No, daren't ring the bell.
Ivy goes ape if yer ring the bell.
But that's what it's there for.
She takes every tinkle personally on that bell.
That's ridiculous, it's merely a question of letting Ivy know that there are customers waiting.
We don't mind waiting, Foggy. Right. In fact, when you look at it waiting's pretty interesting.
Great is waiting, int it?
People do it all the time - It's something biological, like fluff in yer navel.
Ring the bell.
You ring the bell.
I'm perfectly capable of ringing the bell, I just want to prove to you that you too can ring the bell.
BANG
God! Yer useless!
If yer want anythin' doin', don't ask a man, yer all the same.
If yer don't 'ave to take yer trousers off to do it, yer not interested.
Very well then... I'll ring the bell.
BANG Oh, give it 'ere!
BELL RINGS
Who's that now?
Oh, dear.
Yer 'ave to laugh.
Is tha comin' in, Wally?
No, I best go 'ome, I'm late as it is. See thee then.
Don't ring any strange bells.
Shut up!
What's it feel like to be your own boss?
Completely independent...free?
You wouldn't like it, Wally.
Continual happiness can get you down.
I suppose so.
Must get very borin' bein' 'appy all the time.
Oh it does, Wal, it does.
Cheer up, Wally, we're all in the same boat.
You're lumbered with Nora.
And we're lumbered with him.
I don't know what you're talking about.
And 'e's not as sexy as Nora.
Oh, I don't know.
Look, are we going to have tea? We've got a business to run.
If it's tea yer after, why don't you come 'ome wi' me?
I find when I take a few friends 'ome, Nora...
..she forgets all the jobs I 'ave to do.
That's a great idea, Wal.
Yes, a great idea. Yes, a great idea.
That's great walnut cake, Wal.
Oh aye, give 'er 'er due, she's good at walnut cake.
Wally, I think I'm in love with yer missis.
'Ave some more walnut cake. Ta.
Do you ever stop to wonder if there are other beings watching us from 'out there'?
I think it's highly unlikely.
I wish I was as sure as you are.
Well it stands to reason.
If there was anything 'out there' they'd be trying to communicate with the more intelligent among us.
And I've never heard a word.
Then you don't think there could be strange forms of life, beyond our comprehension, watching us?
No.
Then I think y'wife wants you, Wal.
You think? Would you like to make sure?
I'd 'ate to go if it's not necessary.
I'll go, I'll go.
I want to congratulate 'er on 'er walnut cake!
That's a powerful reaction you had from Nora - whatever did you say about her walnut cake?
You can't take him anywhere - Why do you do that when you know she's going to hit you with a brush?
It shows she cares! I like to leave 'er emotional and upset, that way she knows I've been!
She may be indifferent to men, but when she sees me coming, she gets palpitations!
Don't we all?
Course it's taken me years to get 'er in this condition.
But now, look...
..what 'appens when I press 'er door bell.
Get away! You see? Get off me step! She gets all emotional. And don't come back!
She's just playin' 'ard to get. Well, it looked hard to me.
I wonder how much milage she gets from one brush? They don't make brushes like they used to.
They don't last 2 minutes.
Only me can bring colour like that to 'er cheeks.
What's 'e whisperin' about now? Is 'e talkin' about me legs? I won't 'ave 'im talkin'
about me legs.
Nearly full of eastern promise.
If only we 'ad a warmer climate - one good long 'ot spell and I could be...WEH-HEY!
I sometimes think 'e's perverted.
I am perverted, to North Sea Gas, we all are round 'ere.
Take 'im away.
A man came in a van and disconnected me old appliance.
It wasn't anything personal. I'm glad about that.
Will you get a move on? Let's get back to business.
Are you sure this dog-walking business is a good idea, Foggy?
I've never been more sure - you'll laugh at these doubts when the money comes rolling in.
Once we've got this started we'll have to employ other people.
The thing is to build up a firm base locally - and then... we go national.
Wow! We're going national!
Will we like it? Of course you'll like it. We'll like it!
You'll probably be walking dogs all over England. I'm not goin' to like it.
Why ever not?
All that way? I'm not walkin' perishin' dogs all round England!
We've got to become a household word for reliability.
What's a household word for reliability? Boring.
Then, one day it's going to happen - the phone's going to ring and it's going to be them.
Them? The Royal Corgis!
On the phone?
Not in person, no - you know what that means?
Sharp teeth in the ankles.
It means the Royal Warrant, By Appointment, on our letterheads - possibly an OBE.
I like it.
WC Dewhurst, OBE.
Mister WC Dewhurst, OBE.
Sir Walter Dewhurst.
OBE.
Privately amongst the household I'll still be known as Foggy.
"Is Foggy back with the corgis?" "No, ma'am."
"Good man, they've never been so healthy."
Sandringham means early morning mist and Foggy out with the corgis.
"Morning, Mark." "Hello, Foggy.
"How are the dogs?
"Sprightly?"
"Very sprightly." Oh, for God's sake keep him out of the way - those trousers are treasonable.
There's still some wear in these. Exactly.
It's somewhere that didn't ought to be showing - we'll buy him out, set him up in a tax haven.
You can go to Bermuda and breed ferrets.
Here we are then, a customer.
In there?
Well, of course in there.
Look at it - Substantial dwelling - the kind who can afford to have his dog taken for a walk.
That's where we've been wrong, we should've started more upmarket.
But it's a dangerous dog.
Not when you're taking it for a walk - dangle a lead, say, "walkies" and they behave like idiots.
Speaking of behaving like idiots.
LOUD BARKING
We certainly exercised this tyke.
We'll get the hang of it.
Don't you think we should show our appreciation for the person who invented dog-walking?
Show 'im Norm, show 'im.
Pack it in, be reasonable!
You can't expect to get it right first time.
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd